How to Tell if They're a Narcissist
How to Tell if They're a Narcissist
If you’ve been hurt by someone who belittles you to elevate their own self-importance, you might wonder if they are a narcissist. Understanding the signs of Narcissism can help you make sense of your experiences, feel less alone, and recognize that their behavior is not your fault.
It's important to differentiate between casually calling someone a "narcissist" and someone who is diagnosed with NPD. Often, when we use the term "narcissist," we're referring to someone who seems self-absorbed, overly proud, or controlling. While these traits are unpleasant, they don’t automatically mean that person has NPD. While recognizing these traits can be insightful, it's important to remember that diagnosing NPD is complex and should only be done by a specially trained mental health professional. Many people may exhibit some of these behaviors occasionally, especially under stress, but NPD involves persistent patterns that affect daily life and relationships. Using "narcissist" too casually can oversimplify the issue, and make it harder for people with NPD, as well as those affected by narcissistic abuse, to receive the understanding and support they need.
To help better understand narcissistic traits, here’s a guide based on the nine criteria from the The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-V). For an NPD diagnosis, a person must consistently exhibit at least five of these criteria. Remember, their hurtful behavior is not a reflection of your worth, and you are not alone in your experiences. Seeking support and understanding is a positive step toward healing.
The Nine Criteria for Narcissistic Personality Disorder
1. Grandiose Sense of Self-Importance
Grandiosity - an unrealistic or inflated sense of superiority - Do they constantly boast about their achievements, expecting you to be in awe of them? Narcissists often inflate their talents and accomplishments, believing they are superior to others. (e.g. exaggerates achievement and talents, expects to be recognized as superior without achievements);
2. Preoccupation with Fantasies of Unlimited Success, Power, Brilliance, Beauty, or Ideal Love
Fantasies of unlimited success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love - Are they obsessed with fantasies of being incredibly successful, powerful, or perfect? This relentless daydreaming can be a way for narcissists to escape reality and feel more important.
3. Belief that They Are Special and Unique
Narcissists often believe they are unique and should only associate with similarly “special” people - Do they insist that only other special or high-status people can truly understand them?
4. Need for Excessive Admiration
Need for admiration: rely on other people as a source of self-esteem and do not have a defined sense of self - Do they constantly seek praise and validation from you and others? Narcissists thrive on admiration and can become angry or upset if they don’t receive the attention they think they deserve.
5. Sense of Entitlement
Interpersonal entitlement: belief of being inherently worthy of special treatment, recognition, and privileges, - Do they expect special treatment and get frustrated when things don’t go their way? A sense of entitlement often means they believe they deserve more than others, regardless of the circumstances. (e.g. unreasonable expectations of especially favorable treatment or automatic compliance with his or her expectations)
6. Interpersonally Exploitative Behavior
Exploitativeness: unfairly or cynically using another person or group for profit or advantage - Have you felt used or taken advantage of by them? Narcissists often exploit others to get what they want, showing little regard for your feelings or needs. (e.g. takes advantage of others to achieve his/her own ends.)
7. Lack of Empathy
Lack of empathy: Impaired ability to recognize or identify with the feelings and needs of others - Do they struggle to understand or care about your feelings? This lack of empathy means they can be very cold and indifferent to others' emotions, making it hard to have a genuine relationship with them.
8. Envy of Others or Belief that Others Are Envious of Them
Envy: angry vexation, a resentful longing for a trait or possession someone else has - Are they often envious of others or convinced that others are envious of them? This envy can lead to resentment and conflict, as they constantly compare themselves to those around them.
9. Arrogant, Haughty Behaviors or Attitudes
Arrogance: exaggerated pride or self-confidence, excessive need for admiration. Haughty: acting disdainful, overbearing, prideful, swaggering, and obnoxious - Do they often act superior, talking down to you or others? This arrogance is a defense mechanism to protect their fragile self-esteem by belittling others.
Types of Narcissists:
Each type of narcissism manifests uniquely, often leading to emotional and psychological harm to those in close relationships with narcissistic individuals. By understanding the distinct characteristics of overt, antagonistic, communal, covert, and malignant narcissism, we can better identify these traits and develop strategies to protect ourselves and support others who may be affected.
Overt or Grandiose - Overt narcissism, also referred to as grandiose or agentic narcissism, is characterized by traits such as arrogance, entitlement, and a need for admiration. Individuals with this type of narcissism often display a lack of empathy and may overestimate their own abilities. Additionally, there's evidence suggesting overt narcissism could lead to an overestimation of emotional intelligence.
Antagonistic - a subtype of overt narcissism, emphasizes rivalry and competition. Features include arrogance, exploiting others, competitiveness, and a propensity for arguments. Studies indicate that individuals with antagonistic narcissism are less inclined to forgive others and exhibit lower levels of trust in others compared to those with other types of narcissism.
Communal - another form of overt narcissism, presents as valuing fairness and altruism, yet research suggests a disconnect between their beliefs and their behavior. Individuals with communal narcissism may express moral outrage, describe themselves as empathetic, and react strongly to perceived unfairness. However, the distinction lies in the influence of social power and self-importance, where behaviors may not align with professed beliefs regarding care for others.
Covert or Vulnerable - Covert narcissism, also known as vulnerable or introverted narcissism, contrasts with the loud and overbearing nature of overt narcissism. Individuals with covert narcissism are often introverted and reserved, appearing shy, humble, or self-effacing while harboring deep insecurities and feelings of inadequacy. They exhibit low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, and a tendency to feel like victims, struggling to accept criticism and internalizing it harshly. Despite their outward demeanor, they maintain grandiose fantasies and a sense of entitlement, using subtle manipulation tactics like guilt-tripping and playing on others' sympathies to gain attention. Covert narcissists lack genuine empathy but can feign concern, and they experience intense jealousy and envy toward those who achieve the success or recognition they crave. Their fragile self-esteem makes them prone to mood swings, necessitating constant validation.
Malignant - Malignant narcissism is a destructive personality disorder marked by a malevolent mix of extreme narcissism, antisocial behavior, and a lack of empathy. Individuals with this disorder exhibit toxic traits such as aggression, manipulation, and a pleasure in exploiting and harming others. They often display paranoia, sadism, and hostile actions, using deceit and intimidation to dominate those around them. Their grandiosity and entitlement, combined with a deep need for control, make them dangerous and unpredictable. Relationships with malignant narcissists are typically characterized by emotional abuse, betrayal, and pervasive fear and instability.
Creating Distance and Protecting Yourself
If you recognize these traits in someone close to you, please know that you are not responsible for their actions or their behavior. People with Narcissistic tendencies often engage in manipulative tactics designed to make you feel guilty or at fault, which can distort your perception of reality and erode your self-esteem. It's important to remember that their behavior is a reflection of their own issues and not a measure of your worth.
Setting boundaries is an essential step in protecting your mental and emotional health. Boundaries serve as a way to define what is acceptable to you and what is not in your interactions, giving you control over your space and well-being.
Creating physical and emotional distance from the narcissist can help you regain a sense of safety and autonomy. This might involve limiting contact, avoiding situations where manipulation is likely, or even considering more significant steps like changing your environment or seeking legal protection if necessary. Your well-being is important, and taking these steps is a vital part of maintaining your mental health and personal integrity.
Seeking Support
Dealing with a narcissist can be incredibly draining and damaging, often leaving you feeling isolated and overwhelmed. It's important to reach out for support from trusted friends, family, or a therapist. Surrounding yourself with people who understand your situation and can offer empathy and encouragement can make a significant difference.
Therapy can provide a safe space for you to express your feelings and work through the trauma you may have experienced. It can equip you with strategies to cope with the narcissistic person’s behavior and help reinforce your sense of self-worth, which is often undermined by their actions. It's also an opportunity to explore and heal from any long-standing emotional wounds.
Support groups can be another valuable resource, offering a community of individuals who have faced similar challenges and can share their experiences and coping mechanisms.
Seeking support is not a sign of weakness; it is a proactive step towards reclaiming your life and well-being. By reaching out, you are taking an important step in your healing journey, empowering yourself to move forward in a healthier and more positive direction.
Final Thoughts
Understanding the traits of Narcissistic Personality Disorder can help you recognize the patterns of behavior that have hurt you. Only a qualified professional can diagnose NPD, but acknowledging these signs can be a crucial first step in protecting yourself. Your well-being matters, and creating distance from narcissistic relationships is the first step in healing. You deserve to be treated with respect and kindness, free from manipulation and exploitation.
While the counsellors at Journey to Growth cannot diagnose someone with NPD, we can help by identifying abuse tactics within our clients' stories, validating their experiences, and helping them set boundaries and heal from the devastating effects of emotional abuse. You don't have to go through this alone. Reach out to us to schedule individual counseling sessions, join our group support, or take advantage of a free 15-minute discovery call to start your journey to healing and growth.
