As therapists who have also experienced abuse, we often encounter clients who struggle to understand the complex dynamics of their abusive relationships. One concept that frequently arises is "reactive abuse." This term describes an outburst of anger or aggression in response to prolonged manipulation, control, or emotional torment by a person engaging in abusive behaviour. It's important to recognize that these reactions are not genuine abuse but a defensive response to extreme stress and mistreatment.

In emotionally abusive relationships, the abuser can use many different tactics to undermine and control the recipient of their abuse. One common strategy is gaslighting, where the abuser manipulates the victim into doubting their own memory, perception, and sanity. This constant undermining creates a highly stressful and confusing environment, leaving the person experiencing abuse vulnerable and emotionally depleted.

When a person experiencing abuse reaches their breaking point, their reactions can manifest as yelling, crying, or lashing out. These responses are not reflective of the person's character, but rather of the immense pressure they have endured. Abusers, anticipating this response, may deliberately provoke their victim in private and then record the outburst. They use these recordings as "evidence" to claim that the the person they're abusing is actually the abusive one, manipulating the narrative to isolate them further and maintain control.

Actual emotional abuse involves a consistent pattern of power and control, where one individual systematically seeks to dominate and diminish the other. Reactive abuse, on the other hand, is a momentary, situational response to sustained oppression and trauma. The  reactive behavior is a desperate attempt to defend themselves and reclaim some sense of agency in an environment where they feel powerless and unsafe.

Understanding reactive abuse also requires recognizing the abuser's strategic manipulation. Emotional abusers are very good at playing the victim, presenting themselves as calm and reasonable while portraying the person they're abusing as unstable and irrational. This manipulation can extend to friends, family, and even legal systems, complicating the person experiencing abuse's efforts to seek help and validation.

If you find yourself in a situation where you are questioning whether your reactions are signs of reactive abuse or genuine abuse, it's important to seek professional support. As therapists, our goal is to provide a safe and understanding environment where you can explore your experiences, process your emotions, and develop healthy coping mechanisms.

If you or someone you know is experiencing intense reactions to emotional abuse, please reach out for support. Book your free consultation, and together we can navigate this challenging time and work towards healing and reclaiming your life.